


Pain

by Duvainthel



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Episode: s05e04 The End, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Time Travel, soulmate-Shared pain
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-06
Updated: 2020-05-06
Packaged: 2021-03-02 17:28:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,886
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24040573
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Duvainthel/pseuds/Duvainthel
Summary: Soulmates are linked together through pain. Each other’s pain.Around the age of 8 to 10 the ‘Switch’ happened. After the switch you can’t feel your own pain anymore, only that of your soulmates. When you stub your toe no sharp pain will shoot through your foot but your tongue can randomly begin burning when your soulmate drinks a beverage that’s too hot.Since the 'Switch' Dean has never felt any pain. As a child he was happy to know that his soulmate was being careful for his sake. As an adult he realizes it's because he has no soulmate.Because let's be honest, who would want a soulmate like him.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester, Future Castiel & Dean Winchester, Jessica Moore/Sam Winchester (mentioned)
Comments: 12
Kudos: 298





	Pain

**Author's Note:**

> Hi guy's,
> 
> I hope you like this one, it's just something that popped in my head.  
> I had to bend the facts a bit to make it fit so not everything will be accurate with the canon.
> 
> I hope you enjoy and don't hesitate to let me know what you think :).  
> xxx  
> D.

Soulmates are linked together through pain. Each other’s pain.  
Around the age of 8 to 10 the ‘Switch’ happened. After the switch you can’t feel your own pain anymore, only that of your soulmates. When you stub your toe no sharp pain will shoot through your foot but your tongue can randomly begin burning when your soulmate drinks a beverage that’s too hot.   
When you find your soulmate the bond click’s partially into place. A simple touch is enough to initiate it. When this happens the pain is shared. You feel your own pain and that of your soulmate. Additionally your senses are sharper and seem to work together more efficiently picking op more than just the feeling of someone shaking your hands, the grip will give away much more. Their intentions and emotions as well.   
The bond is completed when the soulmates connect on an emotional level. The more common way is the first kiss, but it could also be a display of vulnerability towards each other. When this happens you can still feel your soulmates pain but its muted, detached. You can feel where they get hurt, how intense it is and what type of pain it is without really experiencing the pain yourself.

-&-

Dean was nine when his switch happened. Or at least when he was first aware the switch had happened.  
He had been playing outside on a parking lot of a motel with his little brother Sammy. Sammy lost his balance and Dean tried to catch him before he fell. Ending up like a pillow for Sammy.  
Sammy giggled, pushed himself up and continued playing. Dean got up and wanted to keep playing too but his father John strode over, examining him.  
“Come inside Dean, we need to patch those up.”  
Dean was confused and followed his fathers gaze. Both his elbows were bleeding, he must have used them to catch their fall.  
Once inside John pulled out the disinfectant and Dean already flinched. He hated that liquid, it stings.  
Biting his lip, Dean squeezed his eyes shut when his dad moved a cotton ball with the stuff towards his wounds.  
He felt the cotton on his skin but none of the burn.  
Dean opened his eyes in surprise and his father looked at him frowning.  
“It doesn’t hurt does it?” John asked knowingly.  
Dean shook his head.  
John sighed and finished patching Dean up. When he was done he looked at his boy and ran a hand over his face.  
“Your mother had always looked forward to tell you kids about this.” Grief etched John’s face and Dean kept quiet. Maybe, maybe if he didn’t react his dad would talk to him about mom.   
John sat down on a chair and sighed again.  
“I can’t explain you as beautifully as she would have… Look Dean, everyone has a soulmate.” John said.  
Dean mulled the foreign word around in his head. He had heard it before, but didn’t understand it.  
“A soulmate is someone who, according to the universe or for religious people God, is someone who is made to be with you. Someone with who you’ll feel at home, safe and protected. Someone who makes you happy, and will love you unconditionally. For most of the people at least. For me and your mom…”  
“You where sol- soulmates?” Dean asked.  
“Yes.”  
“How did you know?” Dean asked, looking outside the window scanning the street, as if his would already be waiting outside.  
“Well first of all, around your age, your own pain disappears and you can’t feel it anymore. Your soulmate does.”  
Dean’s eyes widened and he looked at his elbows, instantly feeling guilty.  
“As you will feel your soulmates pain.”  
Dean didn’t worry about that, he was too concerned that his soulmate had felt the sting he hated so much instead of him.  
“Secondly, and this one is hard to explain.” John leaned forward and touched Dean’s cheek. “Can you feel my hand?”  
Dean had looked up to his dad when he touched him and nodded with wide eyes.  
“What you feel now is not the whole feeling. When you’ve met your soulmate you’ll feel everything more…” John struggled when his son looked confused at him. “You will feel more details, it will feel more pleasantly. Like… like when you touch something with gloves and then touch the same thing without gloves.” Dean nodded slowly. He didn’t understand, not really. But he saw that his dad had a hard time explaining it.  
“You’ll understand better when it happens.”  
Dean nodded again.  
“Good boy, now go play with your brother.” John looked exhausted and grief-stricken. Dean didn’t really understand the touch thing, but what he did understand was that his soulmate would feel his pain instead of him, he swore to himself he’d be extra careful so he wouldn’t hurt himself.

-§-

When Dean was fourteen, he knew about the monsters in the world. Knew how to protect himself and Sammy against them and his dad had changed a lot.  
He left them alone a lot of the time and Dean always had a gun close by. Looking after Sammy like a good big brother was supposed to do.  
That’s why when Sammy suddenly yelped while eating his breakfast he was with him so fast it could have caused a whiplash.  
“What’s wrong Sammy?”  
“I don’t know, my knee hurts.” Sammy said with a sad face.  
“Did you hit it against the table?”  
Sammy yelped again louder this time, yanking his body away from the table and since Dean was bent over him to look at his knee, they headbutted, hard.  
Sammy’s eyes grew wide and confused.  
“Why does my knee hurt and not my head?” Sammy asked.  
Dean suddenly understood the situation and smiled softly.  
“Because you no longer feel your own pain, only your soulmate’s.”  
“My soulmate?” Sammy’s eye shone at the word. Sammy was one year older than when Dean found out. So when Dean explained like dad had done for him, Sammy didn’t look as confused as Dean had felt.  
“Wow, I’ll have to be really careful then.” Sammy said happily.  
“That’s what I’ve been doing.” Dean agreed. Sammy winced again. “Too bad your soulmate isn’t as careful.” Dean chuckled.  
“Maybe she doesn’t know yet, like me.” Sammy said. “Is your soulmate careful? Have you felt her?”  
Dean froze. When was the last time he had felt pain? It seemed forever.  
“I… I haven’t felt her yet…” Dean mumbled, frowning.  
“Well maybe when she felt your pain, her parents explained it to her and she’s been super careful since then.” Sammy practically shone with excitement. “You’re going to have such a good soulmate.”  
Dean’s frown eased away and smiled. His heart warming at Sam’s words.  
“Yes, yes I will.” 

-&-

When Dean was nineteen he began having his doubts.  
It’s two years now since Sammy, or Sam like he preferred now, began having stomach aches each month. The first time it happened when John was home Dean took his father apart in worry.  
His father had hardened over the years, all they talked about was the hunt and he never smiled.  
That’s why Dean was so surprised when John burst out in laughter when Dean told him worriedly that Sam had been having stomach aches every month.  
Dean was sure he’d get an earful for not taking care of his brother like he’s supposed to, but instead his dad started laughing.  
Dean waited until the laughter died out and his dad looked at him smiling.  
“Have you never seen in biology class what happens to girls every month boy?”  
Dean frowned, he didn’t really pay attention in classes all the time. As he remembered the lesson, something clicked into place.  
“Oh.” Dean said.  
“Yeah, Sam’s just feeling her cramps. To be honest I was really glad to have found Mary so I didn’t have to feel that completely again.” John snickered.  
Dean felt a cold shiver go down his spine. He hadn’t felt anything like that.  
John saw him frowning and frowned as well.  
“You haven’t felt anything like that yet?” John asked.  
Dean slowly shook his head, worry lining his features.  
“Don’t worry about is son. Not all girls get them at the same age. She could also be a couple of years younger than you. Or…” John shut his mouth and eyed Dean, thinking.  
“Or what Dad?” Or he could not have a soulmate? Dread filled Dean’s stomach.  
“You’re nineteen, have you been with a girl yet?” John asked briskly.  
Dean flushed and looked away.  
“I don’t need details boy, just a simple yes or no.”  
“Yes.”   
“How was it? Did you like it?” John asked, looking very uncomfortable himself.  
Dean flushed even more and thought back at his experiences so far. They were nice.  
“It was… nice.” Dean almost choked and had the very strong urge to flee.  
“Look Dean, I’m not good at this shit, so I’m just going to say it. Open a possibility and you’re free to… to explore it as you will. It’s not written in stone that your soulmate is a girl, it could be a guy.”  
Dean’s eyes widened.  
John coughed and looked everywhere except at Dean.  
“There nothing wrong with that. Some people say it is, but it isn’t okay? Now mull it over and if you must we can talk about it again later.” John clapped a hand on his shoulder and got the heck away from Dean.  
They didn’t talk about it again.  
This conversation had been two years ago and since then Dean had tried it out and liked it as much as with girls.   
And since then Dean still hadn’t felt anything yet.

-§-

Dean was 27 when a seed of despair started to settle in his heart.  
Sam had left for college, leaving Dean alone with their father for far too long.  
When their dad didn’t come home from a hunting trip he went and got Sam to look for him.  
Only to find out Sam had found his soulmate, Jess, in college.  
He dragged his brother away from her, only so Sam could watch her die when he brought him back.  
Seeing Sammy’s heart break as he felt and saw her burn alive was the most painful thing he ever felt emotionally.  
Some big brother he was.  
In that same year they were staring at the flames that were licking away at their father’s corpse. Dean bitterly hearing his father’s last words to him, bouncing around in his head.  
And then and there Dean decided he didn’t have a soulmate.  
Never had.   
He had never felt their pain, not even a hint of it, not even a headache, or a bruise or a papercut. nobody was that careful. It just wasn’t possible.  
The fact that he couldn’t feel his own pain was a fluke, a tool to be used in hunting.  
And he did.  
He started hunting without any regard of his own safety, getting hurt all the time. Without remorse because he still didn’t feel any pain. And he was sure nobody felt his in return.  
He wasn’t worthy of a soulmate.

-§-

Dean was 28 when Sam died.  
His little brother died.  
He was a failure.  
He didn’t have a father, no brother, no soulmate. He was worthless.  
So when the demon offered one year. Nothing kept him back from accepting.  
So he did.  
Sam was a hell of a lot worth more than him.  
He should have died two years ago anyway, if his dad hadn’t been as stubborn.  
Maybe that’s why he had no soulmate.   
He was meant to die young and wasn’t worth the grief of losing a soulmate to another person.  
His brother and Bobby didn’t understand.  
But Dean knew it was right.

-§-

Dean was 29 when hellhounds ripped him apart and dragged him to hell.  
And although Dean knew he didn’t have a soulmate, he couldn’t help but wish it to be true when he watched them rip him apart without feeling any pain.  
The next forty years all Dean knew was pain.

-§-

When Dean was 29 (69) he was surrounded by smothering darkness and the pain was gone.  
Lungs burning for air made him grasp and struggle until he escaped the darkness and finally breathed in fresh air.  
Once he was completely free of the ground he had been buried in Dean gasped.  
He felt the warm air tickle his skin and his hairs rise because of it.  
The sunray’s touching his skin and producing melanin.  
He felt everything and it was marvelous.

Later when Bobby and Sam believed he wasn’t a demon, their hugs took his breath away. Not only feeling the hug, but the comfort and love in them.  
And when his ears bled because of the screeching sound following him, the pain shocking through him, he knew everything was right in the world.  
Nature had fixed it’s mistake and Dean knew for sure now he didn’t have a soulmate.  
Bobby and Sam did frown when Dean winced when he touched his ears, but didn’t say anything.

When they were waiting in the barn for the thing that had dragged him out of hell, Bobby spoke up.  
“Why didn’t ya tell me you had found your soulmate?”  
“I don’t have one.”  
Bobby’s eyebrows rose.  
“And why do ya think that?”  
“I’ve never once felt their pain in my life. Never.”  
“But you were painless before…”  
“Before hell? Yes. Being brought back to life fixed that mistake.” Dean clipped.  
“Idjit, everyone has a soulmate.”  
“Not me. Nobody was with me when I died. Nobody was with me when I came back.”  
Bobby frowned at that and dropped it.  
Dean was glad, he can handle knowing he wasn’t worthy of a soulmate, he wouldn’t be able to handle someone trying to convince him that he was wrong.  
He was a sorry excuse of a person and wouldn’t wish himself on anyone.  
When the barn shuddered from an unseen force and the lights broke Dean readied himself for anything. He didn’t expect such a simple man with messy hair and a trench coat to walk in. Dean didn’t even think and just emptied his clip on him.  
Bobby and Dean shot everything known to them that kills monsters at him and the guy didn’t even falter.  
“Who are you?” Dean asked.  
“I’m the one who gripped you tight and raised you from perdition.”   
Who is this guy?  
“Yeah, thanks for that.” Dean said and buried the demon knife in his chest to the hilt. The man just pulled it out without any emotion and it dropped to the ground.  
Bobby charged forward, the man simply blocked his attack and touched his forehead. Bobby collapsed on the ground.  
“We need to talk, Dean. Alone.”  
Dean ignored him and hurried over to Bobby. While he was examining him, the man focused on some of the books they brought.  
“Your friend's alive.”  
“Who are you?” Dean asked when he had confirmed the man was telling the truth.  
“Castiel.” Dean remembered how Pam was screaming when her eyes burned out not minutes after saying that name for the first time.  
“Yeah, I figured that much. I mean, what are you?”  
The man stopped examining the books and turned his focus on Dean.  
“I'm an angel of the Lord.”  
“Get the hell out of here. There's no such thing.” Dean said.  
“This is your problem, Dean. You have no faith.”   
The winds picked up again en suddenly lightning illuminated the man before him.  
His hair was as black as the night sky, his jaw chiseled like from a statue of a Greek god. But his eyes, his eyes were the bluest blue Dean had ever seen and his breath halted in his throat.  
Since that conversation with his dad, Dean hadn’t been picky about bed partners. Women, men, he enjoyed them the same. But now he saw this man, Castiel in clear light, everyone paled compared to him. Dean swallowed hard and suddenly his own eyes were pulled away from those blue sapphires to movement behind the man’s shoulder.  
Dean gasped in awe for the first time in his life. What he saw. It couldn’t be.  
Two dark shadows were cast on the back wall of the barn and what cast them was… beyond anything Dean had ever seen. Two majestic wings were spreading out behind Castiel. The wings were black but had a shine to them in the same color as his eyes. It was hard to describe but they looked unreal, shimmering as if they were behind a veil and not really corporal.  
Dean had to use everything in him not to drop down on his knees at this sight. It took a few seconds but the memory of Pam invaded his mind. He might be beautiful, he was still a dick.  
“Some angel you are. You burned out that poor woman's eyes.”  
“I warned her not to spy on my true form. It can be overwhelming to humans. And so can my real voice, but you already knew that.”   
Dean blinked and the wings where gone, he found he missed them.  
“You mean the gas station and the motel? That was you talking? Buddy, next time, lower the volume.”  
“That was my mistake. Certain people, special people, can perceive my true visage. I thought you would be one of them. I was wrong.”  
“And what visage are you in now, huh? What, holy tax accountant?”   
“This? This is a vessel.”  
Dean felt sick to his stomach. A monster. Not an angel, just a winged monster. Figures, all he met were monsters.  
“You're possessing some poor bastard?”   
“He's a devout man. He actually prayed for this.”  
Dean snorted in disgust.  
“Look, pal, I'm not buying what you're selling. So who are you, really?  
“I told you.”  
As if.   
“Right. And why would an angel rescue me from hell?”   
“Good things do happen, Dean.”  
“Not in my experience.”  
“What's the matter?” Castiel looked confused, maybe even pained… no just confused. “You don't think you deserve to be saved?”   
“Why'd you do it?”   
“Because God commanded it. Because we have work for you.”  
Ah. That explained it. He wasn’t saved because he was worth a damn. No he’d been given a soulmate if that was the case. He was saved because he was a tool. Now that he finally understood.

-§-

Dean’s a tool in God’s belt when he gets to know Castiel better.  
Castiel is cold in the beginning. Strictly business.  
A dick.  
Although he taws slowly, linking himself to the brothers.  
In Dean’s eyes he becomes Cas. Earns the right to a nickname. And Dean doesn’t know why but he takes the time to teach the angel about humanity.   
To be honest with himself he want’s Cas to relax. When he relaxes Dean gets a glimpse of the wings and for some reason that makes him happy. At ease. And Dean doesn’t have the foggiest why.  
He concludes it’s because they’re a piece of heaven.  
What Dean can’t figure out though is why he can see the damned things. Apparently he’s the only one that can.  
After Cas showed his wings to Sam and Bobby for the first time Sam wondered what they would look like.  
“Dude, you just saw them.” Dean said confused.  
“Yeah sure, we saw their shadows, but I wonder what the wings themselves look like.”  
Dean had to bite his tongue, he will not be admitting he can see them.  
Although he has a feeling Cas knows. Dean can’t help himself. Each time they’re visible he has to look at them. They’re beautiful and he feels at peace when he gazes at them.  
And he could swear that a couple of times after looking at them a tad too long Cas seemed to swell with pride.  
He could be imagining things. Like he was imagining how Bobby throws glances between him and Cas sometimes with his dumb thinking face on.  
So Dean admits begrudgingly to himself that he likes the angel well enough.  
Maybe, sometimes…

-§-

Dean’s a failure… again.  
Lucifer walks and he’s worthless even as a tool from God.  
Figures.  
Him and Sammy got zapped away from the cage opening, Dean doesn’t understand why.  
Not at all.  
When he sees Castiel afterwards, alive and well Dean has half a mind to ask him to throw him back in hell.  
Now they have to race to stop the freaking apocalypse from happening so half the planet doesn’t get wiped out. And Dean doesn’t even know why he tries.  
He’ll surely fail.  
Just like he failed before, never mind being the cause of all of this.  
Why Castiel wants to protect him is beyond him but the angel suggested to hide them from angels, including him.  
The brothers just agree.  
Castiel’s hand glows when he reaches out to Sam.  
When they touch Sam screams bloody murder while Castiel looks at Sam calmly concentrating on his task. It takes a while and Sam’s out of breath when he’s done.  
“Fuck!” Sam yells when it’s done. “That hurts like a bitch.” Some more obscene words fall from his mouth while catching his breath.  
Castiel moves on to Dean and Dean braces himself.  
Oh god he’s on fire, like someone’s carving something in his ribs through his skin with a butter knife.  
“Son of a…!”   
Another gasp sounds through the room and the pain is gone.  
Dean curses some more and when the black spots in his sight clear up he sees Cas bent over, gasping for air. His heart clenches.  
“Cas…?”  
“Give me a minute, Dean.” His heavy voice sounds out of breath.  
When he straightens up his face in contorted in pain.  
“Cas…?”  
“It’s not finished yet…” Cas says between clenched teeth and before Dean can even prepare himself mentally, Cas’s hand is on him, again he screams.  
Along his voice Cas’s voice sounds as well in agony.  
When it’s done both recoil from each other out of breath.  
Sam, who’s recovered by now looks at both of them in confusion.  
“Son of a bitch! Cas! A little warning next time!”  
When Dean calms down, he sees Cas’s face is still contorted in pain.  
“Hey, you okay buddy?”  
“I… I’ll be fine, Dean.”  
“Why did it hurt you? It didn’t when you did Sam?”  
“I forgot… I should have… I’m just drained… Dean. It’s fine.” Cas said.  
Sam suddenly gasps and looks between the two of them.  
Like he just had an epiphany.  
“Sam…” Cas’s voice sounded rough, intimidating and like a warning.  
“What?” Dean said confused.   
“He’s…” Sam started to say.  
“He’s not ready!” Cas snapped and he looked panicked. Desperate to shut Sam up.  
“Cas! You knew?” Sam said shocked and accusatory. And Dean was completely lost as to why Sam suddenly looked like he could kill Cas.  
“Yes, I’ve known since he was a toddler. We… angels always know. And we also always know to wait until they’re ready to tell them.” Cas snapped. He had clearly recovered from the pain and stood tall again. Almost protective and very threatening at the same time. His wings slipped into this ether and they formed an arch around Dean almost shielding him.  
Dean was lost marveling at the wings again, his brain slowly processing what was just said. And again he was dumbfounded why he liked the wings so much. Well he knew why, they felt like home and safe. But why they felt like that…  
Suddenly a conversation from a lifetime ago snapped back into Dean’s mind.

A soulmate is someone who, according to the universe or to religious people God, is someone who is made to be with you. Someone with who you’ll feel at home, safe and protected. Someone who makes you happy, and will love you unconditionally.

His fathers voice sounded in his mind and the blood drained from Dean’s face.  
He took a step back.   
He liked the wings because they felt like Cas. More like Cas than his human vessel does.  
He took another step back.  
He could feel completely after he got saved from hell. Nobody was with him when he died. Nobody was with him when he woke. But somebody did pull him out of there. Gripped him tight, while saving him.  
He took another step back.  
He never felt his soulmates pain because his soulmate was almost completely above pain. Pain was an abstract concept to him. Because he was an angel.  
He looked at Cas in wonderment and Cas was folding into himself. The wings cowered into the other ether, disappearing from view and he was looking at Dean like a desperate man. Desperate because Dean knew now. A cold hand clenched over Dean’s heart.  
Cas couldn’t ignore it now, he knew now. Now it was known what a bad match Dean made.  
“Dean please, no…”  
“I gotta go…” Dean mumbled and he turned on his heals and left the warehouse.  
“Dean!” Sam yelled.  
Dean got in his car and didn’t even wait on Sam. He just drove off.  
Because yes he had a soulmate.  
And Dean was a worthless match.  
Dean liked it better when he didn’t have a soulmate.

-§-

Sam saw his brother storm of. He jogged after him, but when he came outside the impala was leaving a trail of dust while driving off.  
“There’s a reason we wait.” A sad voice sounded beside him. Cas had followed him outside.  
Sam grew angry.  
“Do you even know Dean? Do you even get why he stormed out? Not because he doesn’t like you, because…”  
“He thinks he’s unworthy of me. I know Sam. I know him better than you think.” Cas said sadly.  
Sam looked at him in surprise, a question in his eyes.  
Cas sighed.  
“I knew since his switch happened. Every angel is notified the moment it happens. I’ve been glancing at him his whole life. I was under strict orders to wait. I obeyed, not knowing what their plan was.” Cas clenched his fist.  
“The moment he got dragged to hell, I fought for him. I petitioned every day to go get him. When he broke the first seal they let me. I took a battalion with me and broke down hell’s doors to get him. When I arrived… his soul…” Castiel swallowed.  
“It was tattered and broken, and still it shone brighter than any soul I’ve seen. So I fixed him. I build him up from scratch again. But he needed some of my grace. So I put a piece of my grace in his soul to glue him back together.”  
Sam looked at him bewildered.  
“Don’t worry, it had been done before. It doesn’t have side-effects. Well not any known side effects, not with a normal angel and normal human. We’re soulmates and I didn’t know that would change things.”  
Sam swallowed. “What are the side-effects?”  
“I can feel him when he’s close. I can feel his emotions. Not his thoughts though, only the emotions and sadly self-loathing is a near constant.” Cas’s mouth turned downwards.  
Sam nodded, that’s his brother alright.  
“What else.”  
“I’m fairly certain he can see my wings. Not only the shadows, but the wings themselves.”  
Sam remembered Dean’s shock when Sam expressed his curiosity about Cas’s wings.  
“For now that’s it, that I know of.” Cas muttered, staring at the road, hoping Dean would come back.  
“I didn’t tell him because in my first interaction with him he didn’t feel worthy of saving. Telling him then would proof of this to him. He would have thought it had been my duty to save him, because we’re soulmates. So I waited. I wanted to build his confidence up. My…” Cas swallowed. “My wings seemed to do the trick sometimes and I wanted to wait until he… until he accepted that feeling for what it was.”  
“I’m sorry.”  
“I don’t know what to do.” Cas muttered.  
“Well for one, and listen very carefully, do not back off. Don’t give him his space. If you back off he’ll take it as you agreeing with him.”  
Cas nodded.  
“Now zap us in the impala will you.” Sam said.  
“I can’t, I don’t know where he is. I warned you about this. You both are hidden for all angels, including me.”  
“Oh right.” Sam sighed.  
“Okay, I’ll stalk him by calling then and looking for one of his alter ego’s to pop up.”

-§-

Dean was drowning.  
Drowning in alcohol and loud music.  
The loud music made it easier to ignore his phone. Cas doesn’t want him. Who would?  
Dean finished his drink and signaled for another.  
Just a little more and he’d be wasted beyond rational thought.  
Just what he needed.  
No rational mind could process what just happened. God had a sick sense of humor. Matching a worthless human to a friggin’ angel. The human that started the apocalypse to boot.  
Yeah, sick sense of humor.  
Dean kicked back another drink and his eyes started burning. So he paid and fled the bar, to a motel a couple of miles further.  
When he finally dropped down on the bed his eyes started burning again and he ignored the wetness he felt escaping his eyes.  
Realization settled that Cas was everything that Dean had hoped for in a soulmate and he still wasn’t worth shit.

-§-

Dean was sporting a major hangover when he woke up in a world where the streets where eerily empty. And he sure as hell wasn’t recovered enough to be running from Croatoan infected people.  
When Zachariah had explained the world state and why it happened, Dean felt like punching someone.  
Preferably the angel that stuck him here and disappeared.  
Dean tried to find anyone he knows in this post-apocalyptic world and quickly finds clue’s in Bobby’s house to Camp Chitaqua.  
When he arrives his heart almost breaks at the state of his baby, and his head certainly does with the force his future self uses to knock him out cold.  
After waking up handcuffed to a ladder, Dean has a lovely conversation with his dickhead future self and escapes as soon as he leaves.  
Dodging future pissed off conquests, he starts asking about Cas. He figured the angel could zap him back. His stomach does a weird flip thinking about him but he decidedly pushes the feeling away. He had to get to business, he’ll sort that mess out when he gets back to his own timeline.  
Dean finds himself in front of the cabin Chuck pointed out as Cas’s, unable to enter.  
Future Dean was still sleeping around, and Cas was right here in the same camp. Rejection settled over his heart. And it stung worse than anticipated, even if he was prepared for it.  
Dean took a deep breath and entered the cabin.  
Cas looked scruffy and very relaxed. He was addressing a group of women and talking about an orgy. What in the actual fuck?!  
But that wasn’t what almost floored Dean, what did make him freeze on the spot was the undeniable pull he felt towards the man that was Cas, but somehow looked nothing like Cas and still felt completely like Cas.  
His brain was failing him.  
Cas looked up in surprise and his sapphire blues snapped up and locked with Deans emerald greens.  
His eyes widened and Dean saw a range of emotions flitting in Cas’s eyes.  
“Actually ladies, there won’t be an orgy today, our fearless leader needs me for something.”  
Cas’s eyes never left Deans while dismissing the women.  
When everyone had left and they were alone, Dean had to break the eye contact to keep his sanity.  
“What are you, a hippie?”  
“I thought you’d gotten over trying to label me.” Cas said gruffly, slowly rising and walking over to Dean.  
Dean was finally able to identify one of Cas’s emotions and it was hope, he looked hopeful.  
“What is this Dean? What am I feeling…?” Cas stopped talking, he looked Dean over and sadness crept into his eyes.  
“You… are not you. Not now you anyway.” Cas said sofly.  
“No! Yeah. Yes, exactly.” Dean was relieved Cas figured it out on his own, he didn’t even know to start explaining it otherwise.  
“What year are you from?” Cas sat back down. Dean sat down as well.  
“2009.”  
“Who did this to you? Is it Zachariah?”  
“Yes.”  
“Interesting.”  
“Oh, yeah, it's friggin' fascinating. Now. Why don't you strap on your angel wings and fly me back to my page on the calendar?”  
Cas winced and looked away.  
“I wish I could just, uh, strap on my wings, but I'm sorry, no dice.”  
“What, are you stoned?”   
“Uh, generally, yeah.”  
“What happened to you?”  
“Life.”  
Dean looked at Cas puzzled. He was different, he was more Cas somehow but at the same time not so much. Dean couldn’t understand it. He was drawn much more to Cas now than in his own timeline, the feeling of safety and home more present than ever, even more than when Cas shows his wings. But at the same time Dean felt like a stranger was sitting before him.  
Cas’s mood seemed to sour as well, the hope that has shone through forcibly earlier overshadowed by sadness.  
“Comon Cas, what’s up? You seem… feel different.” Dean most certainly did not almost blush at that admission.  
Cas looked up and locked in his gaze again. This time Dean felt a full wave of hurt wash over him. In front of him sat a broken man and Dean did not feel his eyes burn at its intensity.  
“Dean things happened… angels disappeared from earth and I decided to stay. My connection to heaven severed, my juice ran out and I’m human now. Dean I’m all but useless. Last year I broke my foot, laid up for two months.”  
Dean’s eyes widened, that was it. He was different but not really because he was completely himself now. He wasn’t hiding a part of himself, his angelic side, because that side was gone.   
Dean was sitting next to a complete Cas.  
“Why did you stay?”  
“You know why.” Cas said, addressing the elephant in the room. “I’m guessing the you that’s here is the version that just found out we’re soulmates.”  
He stayed out of duty to Dean.  
Figures, if there’s something angels rock at it’s their duty. Even if it’s to an uneven match.  
Of course Cas rejected him.  
Cas’s eyes grew wide and a little panicky.  
“Dean…”  
A car sounded in the distance and Dean quickly got up.  
“That’s probably… me. I’m supposed to be locked up so I gotta…”  
Dean bolted out of there and shoved the rejection aside. He didn’t need to saddle Cas up with two versions of himself.

-§-

Dean’s horrified by his future self. He treats the people around him like crap, didn’t flinch when he killed one of his friends, it didn’t matter if they were infected or not, and is back to torturing.  
It was night and they were drinking while discussing tomorrows plans.  
Which was a bullshit plan by the way.  
And with every passing moment Dean was hating his future self, more and more.  
The whole situation was unbearable and Cas’s glances his way weren’t helping.  
The dalliance Dean had to dodge this morning was questioning the accuracy of future Dean’s information and Cas finally stopped staring at him to snort. That’s when Dean found out about the torture.

“Our fearless leader, I'm afraid, is all too well schooled in the art of getting to the truth.”  
“Torture? Oh, so, we're—we're torturing again.” Dean said with a sour taste in his mouth.  
His future self looked at him and Dean swallowed.  
“No, that's—that's good. Classy.”  
Cas laughs, a good natured laugh, one that makes him look happy. And future Dean frowns at Cas.  
“What? I like past you.” Cas said and winked at Dean.  
Future Dean frowned even deeper, looking angry somehow.  
A few moments later Cas leaves frustrated. He got upset when he discovered Dean would be coming as well tomorrow.  
And when Dean’s leaving a good while later his mind is reeling with the information his future self gave him. He was going to separate from his brother because he won’t trust him anymore. And after a year apart, Sam was going to say yes to Lucifer.  
Dean was still processing it when someone grabbed his arm and yanked him inside a cabin.  
Suddenly his vision was filled with blue eyes.  
“What the heck Cas?!”  
“Listen, in a few hours we are going to get ourselves killed. You’ll probably be pulled out by Zachariah to get his point across or whatever in your own timeline. We don’t have a lot of time and I need to tell you some things before this happens.”  
Dean pretends he’s not al flustered because of their closeness.  
“Dude, isn’t that against the time travel rules?”  
“I don’t give a rat’s ass about rules anymore. This life has gone to crap and I want to save my other self from the same heartache.”  
He’s going to ask him to leave him alone so he can go back with the rest of the angels, Dean’s sure of it.  
Cas grits his teeth.  
“This has to stop Dean, this line of thinking can’t exist in you timeline, it ruins us.”  
There you have it, the white hot sting of rejection pierces Dean’s being.  
“No! You always make the wrong conclusions! Stop doing that! Dean…, I love you.”  
Dean’s stunned, his heart’s hammering in his ears.  
“I’ve loved you since I saw you growing up. Sure at first I was intrigued because you’re my soulmate, but I’ve seen every part of you. I’ve seen you grow up, I’ve seen you carrying the burdens of your father without complaining, I’ve seen you make mistakes, I’ve seen you make countless sacrifices and I fell in love with every part of you. Fair enough I’m not a fan of your constant self-loathing but even that makes you, you.”  
He had to say that, didn’t he? Because of the soulbond? Right?  
Cas grunts and rolls his eyes.  
“You always do that! You did it when I told you when I found you after you ran away because you realized we were soulmates. And then the world went to hell, and I wasn’t an angel anymore. You rejected me, not because you don’t like me but because you though you weren’t good enough. And it’s killing me Dean.”  
The broken man stood in front of Dean again, all the pain seeping through, the rejection and Dean didn’t understand.  
Cas was examining him, desperation seeping through.  
“Enough, I’m doing what I should have five years ago.”  
Cas reached out and grabbed Deans face, and before Dean could react, Cas’s eyes were glowing and Dean was filled with emotion.  
Not his own emotions, Cas’s.  
He was overwhelmed with love and care. Happiness, friendship and… adoration. He saw himself through Cas’s eyes. All his faults and mistakes where there. They weren’t overlooked or hidden away, they were right in his face and Cas loved them. Dean saw what Cas meant that they made him, him.  
He saw his every freckle, and every glow his hair could catch. He saw every color his eyes took by every emotion or lighting and Cas loved it all.  
Then it morphed into a memory and Dean saw a light blinding him with it’s light. It was surrounded with another kind of light, a light with more of a blue hue.  
A realization hit him, that light was his soul, the memory was Cas holding his soul while dragging it out of hell. And Dean could feel in his very core that Cas was awestruck by it’s beauty in this moment. He could feel he never saw another soul as beautiful as it again.  
The memory morphed again and this time it was future Dean rejecting Cas and the overwhelming pain Cas felt. Not at the fact that his soulmate rejected him, but that Dean had rejected him.  
The pain was almost unbearable.  
Suddenly it was all gone.  
Cas had let his face go and was looking for support against the wall breathing heavily.  
“What… what was that?”  
“I still had a little piece of grace left, I saved it for years and now I used it to show you what you mean to me.”  
“But why?... Why not save it for tomorrow?” Dean wasn’t going to deal with what he saw, not yet.  
Cas sighed, clearly disappointed with Deans reaction.  
“I’m never going to be able to fix us in this timeline, everything has gone wrong too many times and it’s not enough juice to do something that can save the world or even us, if our lives were in danger. I just… I’m being selfish, I want a life where I am happy, and the only way I can be is…”  
Cas’s voice died out but the ‘with you’ part hung heavily in the air.  
And it hit Dean, it hit him all at once. It may be an uneven match in his eyes, but Cas didn’t care. No, correction, he didn’t see it that way. He didn’t see it that way at all.  
And for the first time in a very long time, Dean could feel his heart fill with happiness.  
He, Dean Winchester had a soulmate and that soulmate wanted to be with him.  
Dean approached Cas. He was still looking away and Dean softly put his hand in Cas’s neck and directed his face towards him with his thumb.  
He could feel Cas trembling at the touch and they locked eyes.  
Cas’s eyes grew wide and a big smile formed on his face.  
Dean inched closer, determined to capture Cas’s lips until he felt Cas pulling away.  
“Dean…” Cas almost whined, when he saw Dean’s face he hurriedly blurted an explanation. “We can’t, I don’t know what will happen if you complete the soulbond with a me from another timeline. Believe me, I want to, I really do, but I’m afraid you won’t connect properly with the me from your timeline if we do.”  
It sounded like nonsense but somehow Dean understood.  
So he diverted his direction and kissed Cas on the cheek.  
“Thank you, thank you for opening my eyes. Thank you for sacrificing the last of your grace to give me a shot at ‘us’ in my time. Thank you for still being you even if you’re not entirely.”  
Cas smiled widely and softly pulled Dean in a hug, their racing hearts pressed together.  
“Knowing that it worked is thanks enough. I’m happy to know my other self will have a very different future.”  
Dean is definitely going to deny this chick flick moment ever happened, even if he’ll remember it for the rest of his life.

-§-

The rest of the future he lives through is a blur.  
It’s doesn’t touch him, it doesn’t hack at it’s self-worth. Dean already knows that this Dean, future Dean is going to cease to exist. So everything bad he does is moot.  
He does feel a stab of pain when he realizes that future Cas was being sent to his death but he’s able to move over it since it won’t be happening.  
Seeing Lucifer wearing Sam doesn’t even make a dent in him. His words that every choice would lead to this outcome even slides of him.  
Because this Lucifer doesn’t know, what Dean does.  
Even if Dean still thinks of himself as a piece of crap, he won’t ever be worthless anymore. Because Cas puts value in him, and he will be fighting every day to deserve that value.  
When Zachariah pulls him back to his own time and asks him if he’s learned his lessons, Dean boldly announces that he did, but not the lesson he intended him to learn.  
And then the motel and the furious face of Zachariah melts away into an empty street and two sapphires he loves.  
“That’s pretty nice timing, Cas” Dean says while his heart is pounding in his ears. The trench coat, the stiffness, the awkwardness, the forever shadow of a beard. This was the Cas he loves, the Cas he intends to keep.  
“Thank god Cas felt Zachariah grace, Dean! Cas can’t find you with the enochian graved into our ribs you idiot!” Sam exclaimed surging forward. Cas seemed to deflate for a moment, looking fearful, determined and confused at the same time.  
“You’re different.” Cas said, tilting his head.  
Dean grinned at him and Sam threw confused looks between them.  
Dean looked to his brother, determination set in his jaw.  
“Sam, no offence, but get lost.”  
Sam’s eyes widened and he looked worried.  
“Listen Dean, I spoke with Cas and I think…”  
“… that this is none of your business. I got drunk, then Zachariah put me through some shit and now I need to talk to Cas. Alone.”  
Sam still looked worried, he glanced at Cas and really didn’t seem to want to leave.  
“Man, I’m serious, get lost Sam. I need to talk to him and I don’t want you hearing what I have to say. It’s… it’s private.” And I don’t want an audience when I kiss that angel silly. Dean added in his thoughts.  
“Dean…”  
“Oh for the love of… Cas get us out of here. Sam you stay put!”  
Dean grabbed the angels arm and looked at him expectantly, frustration and impatience getting the better of him.  
Cas almost looked fearful but complied.

They appeared in a deserted hunters cabin, surrounded by woods.  
“Where are we?” Dean asked.  
“Just a few miles away from Sam. He is staying put like you asked him.” Cas said a slight tremble in his voice.  
“Good.” Dean said while turning towards Cas.  
“So, soulmates huh.” Dean said. He had wanted to rip the band aid off and just get to it but now that he’s alone with Cas the courage slips away. A nasty thought enters his mind and it rocks through him like he’s standing at an abyss, an inch away of being swallowed by it.  
What if that hadn’t really been the future? What if it was just a powerful illusion conjured up by Zachariah? What if the whole point was to urge Dean to make that step only to be rejected, braking him in such a way that he would say ‘yes’ to the douche.  
Castiel’s eyes grow wide in panic and Dean remembers the angels reaction to him realizing. He had been afraid then too. Afraid of Dean’s rejection or afraid of the bond that ties him to the human that started the apocalypse?  
But then he remembers what the other Cas had shown him. The sacrifice he made to be able to show it to him. And he finds himself longing for that love.  
“Dean… we are indeed soulmates.” Cas says fearfully. Dean decides not to do a typical Winchester move, for the other Cas. If there’s a chance, he actually wants to take the leap. He swallows and leaps.  
“Do you want to be?” Dean asks.  
Cas looks confused, tilting his head again. As if this was not the reaction he had expected.  
“Cas, I’m asking sincerely, do you want to be my soulmate and everything it entails? It’s not a trick, I’m genuinely asking.”  
“Yes.” It slips out in a whisper and the angel looks frightened again. Frightened and frustrated, as if there’s something he can’t figure out.  
Dean’s face splits into a blinding grin and the doubts fall away. Zachariah disappearing from his thoughts completely. He steps closer to the angel and takes both of his hand, putting them on his own face.  
“Show me.” Dean whispers. He knows it’s selfish, but he wants to see again. He wants to confirm that was actually the future and not some mind-game. And he wants to try something.  
“What…?” Castiels hands are trembling, much like other Cas’s did when Dean touched him after his gift.  
“I know you can, you did it already, I just want to… I need to… please.”  
At the ‘please’ Cas cracks and opens himself wide to Dean. His eyes glowing with grace and Dean is engulfed with memories, versions of himself, thoughts and love. So much love Dean almost buckles under it. And then Dean cracks wide open too. Pushing his own feelings towards Cas as hard as he can, hoping this can be a two way street. He brings everything he thought and felt around Cas forward and projects it towards him. How his hesitating smile makes Deans day, how his confusion about humanity makes him look fucking adorable, how when Cas is in commanding angel mode Dean is awed by it. And then he pushes the changes within himself that he was so afraid of in the open as well. That he misses him when he’s gone, that when the first time he saw Cas his beauty overshadowed everyone else he had met, that his eyes can captivate him so that staring into them is the only thing he ever wants to do. And his wings, how gorgeous they are, how he knows they are completely Cas and they feel like safety, home and love. So much love.  
God he was a sap. Cas ruined him.  
Something clicks into place and Dean feels whole. He finally feels like he belongs, he deserves to belong.  
His eyes open to see Cas’s are still closed and tears are streaming down the angels face, telling Dean his little plan had worked.  
Dean has leaped and now he’s going to fly.  
He surges forward and finally captures those lips. Cas startles at first but quickly reciprocates. Their lips move together, still sharing every single feeling with each other.  
Every feeling is amplified, doubled, because the other feels the same.  
Deans hands let go of Castiels hands on his face and pull the angel closer. One hand yanking at the trench coat the other disappearing into those black locks of him.  
Their bodies press closer shaking a soft moan loose from Cas. Dean takes the opportunity to deepen the kiss even more and explore the inside of his mouth.  
Dean feels as if he’s on fire and never wants to let go of his soulmate.  
After ages or was it just seconds he has to come up for air.  
And Cas doesn’t want to let him go, he grips Dean possessively closer. When had the angel’s hands left his face and moved to his back?  
“That… that was fucking awesome.” Dean says, he sounded wrecked.  
Father, don’t take this away from me. You can take anything else, but not this.  
“Cas why would you say that?” Dean questions.  
A jolt passes through Cas and they separate far enough to look each other in the eye.  
“I didn’t say anything.”  
But Dean was so sure he heard.  
Cas gasps.  
“The bond, it’s completed, we’re connected, more than normal…” Cas says, guilt seeping in his eyes.  
“Hey, hey, none of that. I’m a grown ass man, I knew we would connect, doing what we did. I want this.”  
Dean says, prolonging the chickflick moment and he doesn’t even give a crap right now.  
Cas eyes fill with happiness but the guilt is still there.  
“But I didn’t warn you, I had a suspicion that we would connect on a deeper level than usual, I didn’t warn you. Check if you really wanted that kind of bond.”  
Dean looked up at Cas confused.  
“I don’t follow…”  
Cas explained the part of rebuilding his soul with a piece of his grace and how it already had some effects. At the end Cas looks nervous again.  
“I don’t care. Actually it’s kind of awesome. So you were thinking what I just heard?”  
Cas nodded.  
“Cool. That’s pretty fucking great actually.” Dean grinned again. He knew he should be appalled that Cas will be able to hear his every thought. Before he would have been, and maybe he will at some point but right now, the only thing he feels is relief. He will never be alone again, he won’t have to push painful and embarrassing feelings into words which was always difficult to him. This temporary insanity probably won’t last and he’s glad to know he’ll be able to communicate on a easier level now, with the one he thrusts, the one he loves.  
Cas’s face breaks open in the happiest smile he ever saw on the angel. Oh, he probably heard that, it will take some getting used to though.  
Dean can feel Cas’s happiness, there was some confusion though, because the angel had been sure this would have an entirely different outcome. And Dean makes a mental note he’ll have to explain everything that happened since he fled the warehouse, but right now all he can think about is capturing the angels lips again. Feeling giddy at the certainty he can do just that, right now and whenever he wants to in the future, he goes for it.  
Sam can wait, the damned apocalypse can wait.  
Dean Winchester is finally getting something for himself and he’s going for it.  
And he will continue to do so for the rest of his life.


End file.
